21st CENTURY STEEMIT MAN [Comedy Open Mic round #25]

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bifilarcoil
57
3 months agoBusy5 min read

@palikari123 challenged me to make some new COMpost. Some time ago @anouk.nox also challenged me but then real-life went to shit and a could not find my defibrillator in time to jolt my shit together for a COMpost so I hope this one makes up for that a little.


Today I went to A shrink (Dr. von Shroom) to get some help to get my brain ready for this millennium on steemit.

We analyzed the platform and the majority of users to make an estimate of mental skills that are needed to be ready for the next 30 years on the Internet and right now the most healthy situation looks like this.

Dr. von Shroom concluded that an average normal healthy person should not use multiple accounts so that was instantly problematic when we discovered that many people have more then just one account.
Closer investigation showed that an average of 3 accounts is pretty common yet people with 5, 10, 20 and even 100 accounts exist

Now, to do this in a way that makes less impact on your health Dr. von Shroom devised a program to catapult your life into the 21st century

First you need to expand your mind with an extra personality. To achieve this Dr. von Shroom discovered the Botrytis cinerea together with Pencilluim to be very useful.
As this is a real 'Vomit comet' you may want to have a bucket at hand while administering this mind expander.

Once you gained this new personality you can administer a dose of Ergot when you create a new steemit account.
you will need this:
A. to expand the mind into a new digital persona
B. to force your creativity to come up with a name that doesn't look like a hoax
C. to make you feel greedy enough to not stop here and go to the next step


Disclaimer:
Never expand other peoples minds as this will bite you. Dr. von Shroom experience that himself when a strain of Aspergillus_niger Did an attempt to bite off an arm and a leg while he was hovering a meter above his bed. This may sound confusing but according to Dr. von Shroom this will make perfect sense about one hour after you experienced it.

Then you take another dose of Ergot
This time combine it with Diplodia As you will need all the power to find a new image to go with your fake new you.
Keep in mind not to use an image of a face, as everyone knows that those accounts never stand the test of time. As you will get robbed on the street once the Bitcoin bubble bursts and your average banker with two left hand goes hungry again.

Anyway you need an hour to recover from this by drinking a gallon of Belgian beer. The yeast will blend very nice with the Diplodia

Step 3 for personality one is to again administer Ergot
once again. Now add a dose of Gibberella to lift your scalp a couple of inches. (as Dr. von Shroom is an Imperial kinda guy as his masters will discredit him if he uses Metric measurements) Again lots of Belgian beer to let it sink in.

Now you have at least 3 new personalities, maybe more if you lost the plot a couple of times when spacing out on the lawn.

This you can do once a day for every day of the week now you can use other fermented drinks. French, Italian, Spanish, or South African wine, German beer, Russian Vodka, Sake for a good Japanese persona. Be creative mix with moonshine, crappy smelly energy drinks. Anything goes as you need to bend your mind into corners where no-one twisted before.

By the end of the week you should speak at least 7 languages as good as Google translated.
Now you have a personality for every kind of shit post you can imagine. And you can start to copy all the foody posts, translate them, change a few ingredients replace cherries with strawberry in the recipe for cherry pie. People will not mind, they don't read it anyway. They are just up voting their own *CoG anyway.

Now finish your week with a mouthwash of Fusarium make sure your mom is not within a 5 mile radius as the foul taste will make you say thing you may regret for the rest of your life

Mind expanding sources:

Aspergillus_niger

Botrytis cinerea

Diplodia

Ergot

Fusarium

Gibberella

Pencilluim


The old mold is the new health food we need to survive the 21st century.
The FDA however will together with Big Pharma device new and expensive drugs to achieve the same while giving you all kinds of cancer as a bonus.

Whatever route you take, Blue bread, hairy yogurt, pink banana or boring pharma capsules.
Dr. von Shroom wishes all of you a very expanding and colorful 21st century.


*CoG (Circle of Greed) Stuff like this needs to be abbreviated as the greedy bastards may hate you for exposing them and stab you with a flag

Dis-discalmer:
Vomit comet has nothing to do with the PPP (Podesta Pizza Paradise)


A bit of laughter per day will not be able to keep big pharma away.
Get your wallet ready! And start voting like your imaginary lives depend on it.
Humor me, resteem it so that it becomes visible from space.


This is the end


GAME OVER


o noooo not the end, I still need to nominate a few people

Lets see, I have the feeling that @empress-erremy could have a good sense of humor.
And @pundito seems to have a good sense of humor as well

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